Family drives...

... you nuts? Well, that too.

The cross. The damned christian cross. I say I don't do christianity but it's a vice like every other, since I was raised in a christian country and had a christian mother who forced me to take the first communion. Cause that cross is just about the same as karma, also the astrological cross formed among the 1st, 4th, 7th and 10th houses of the natal chart, etc.

I have to learn not to take on everybody else's problems as if it was part of my cross to carry their crosses. I feel responsible, in a way, for fixing my family problems. But if I don't take others weights on me I won't feel so heavy about family and I would be free to go. It's their processes, it's someone else's timing, it's their own thing, their own learning. I can cope, but I can't interfere. That is just too hard when you are the element of change. It's you who brings the new to their lives, what they so much fear. And even my family fights against what they fear, even against me. So they have been trying to interfere in my life, which just pisses me off, but it won't stop me. It's true they can upset me with difficulties and delay, but they can't and won't stop me from growing and taking my fill of love and wealth from under the stars.

I always said yes, but they always said no. Now I've grown older than my parents and it's their time to grow. But how can they, if they keep holding on to "no"?

And I care, cause I would love to see them shining. I'd feel happier if they were happier people. But they are always finding reasons why not to. So, it's the choice they make and I have to settle for my own. And get it on with it.

So, while my drive is expanding and creating, the famile drive is contracting and destroying. Destryoing self confidence, destroying dreams, destroying love, well, just about everything. There is nothing they hold as sacred. Maybe that is why they feel unhappy and it is exactly why I feel sad for them. They are always so scared of everything, and when I say "fear not!" and do stuff, I am the rebel. But I understand that it's a limited point of view that they have to transpass, because it is the only way they read the situations and only they can change themselves. I don't know how to keep loving someone that is constantly stepping on my foot in a hurtful way, but I'm trying. With highs and lows, of course. Also cause I know it's not easy to have what you fear the most inside of your own house, as part of your own blood. I just wish I was more according to the monster image they have, so it would be partly true. -laughs-

When I'm a parent I won't raise my kid to be someone. I will raise her/him to be happy.

The example my family gave me is how not to act like them, which is so valid... But not happy.

"The word of sin is restriction." I have a very sinful family then.

I'm trying not to restrain myself. I'm trying to express each and every side I got.

That is life, creation, and that is the law I choose to follow, which is a law of life, light, freedom and wisdom.

Read about it in the Book of the Law, if you will.