terça-feira, março 16, 2010

die Sonne/ der Mond

The moon says, girl you need to hide. The sun says that I need to act in accordance with my heart. The moons says, girl, you need to squeeze your heart, dont walk out the line even for one second. The sun says I need to be spontaneous. The moon says that I bleed and that it wont stop anytime soon enough. The sun reminds me that when it does stop, it will be a different lifetime, a different season. The moon curses my moods and cycles. The sun reminds me that time passes by, ever bringing a new day. The moon is always showing my face, pointing fingers and telling me that I am ugly. The sun, in secret, tells me that that is beauty and that only I should know of it, not to fear. I walk over stones, the moon is very sandy and the climate here is so dry, but I am home. It is so cold, and so my sun struggles to survive. It watches the moon very proudly because she knows she is stronger. But the male voice of the moon is louder.


what is it was ist das


It is difficult for me to understand that a day spent playing the guitar has been a day of work, of writing down songs, of trying new things, new patterns, new vocal melody lines, etc. It feels like I havent been doing anything at all, it feels like I have been trapped in my own world, my own shell, my own room. It feels that I am not really working when I stop to think of myself and of my life, and in my general (and defective) relationships with people -- and that all this leads to music. The blisters I got from playing for hours -- that I didnt notice passing by -- are not proof of my effort, they just show me how I should be playing more and more to be able to play for hours without getting blisters. I never give myself a moment to rest.
And music is an escape to freedom, because it sets my fears free, it sets my trapped soul and my trapped feelings free. And not because I sing about my  life, but exactly because my music is bigger than me, it is better than me, it changes me and it teaches me, so it brings me room to grow.
But the question I ask myself is: should I go alone? Is this something that is supposed to be kept in secret, like all the rest in my life seems to have the need to be kept in secret? Because when you show yourself it is almost always a hurtful experience: you are not wanted, you are not needed, you are not welcome, you are not what you think you are. Is my music something I do for myself, or should I keep trying to show it in the hope that it will do the same to other people what it does to me?