segunda-feira, julho 12, 2010

Richtig Bitch

Biergarten com amigos ontem, do lado de fora do Berghain. Um cara louco, se achando sedutor (dos quais não se vê por aqui), veio sentar do meu lado querendo puxar assunto enquanto eu comia o meu hamburguer. "- Could you be a little more friendly?" -- him.
"- I am not interested in making new friends". -- me

Estou sendo treinada para aprender a fazer a maligna.

sábado, julho 10, 2010

Guten Morgen

This morning, at about seven o'clock, my drunk neighbor decided he wanted to listen to loud music.
At first, I thought that my roomate had just arrived from his trip because of the voices and noise, then the music got louder and I really woke up to realize what was going on. It's incredible how well you can speak German, even half asleep, when you have hatred in your heart. German language comes out perfect, and you make yourself understood. I said: "- Bitte, es ist einbisschen zu früh, das ist einbisschen zu lout und ich möchte schlafe!!!! Volume aus, bitte." He answered, with his red eyes: "- Sorry, ich verstehe das", and put the volume down, so I could go back to sleep. I am starting to get a grip on how to deal with Germans. (ho ho ho... Evil.)

"Hand me my leather." (Tori Amos, Leather)

Dream about some German men

Last night I had a curious dream. I moved to Germany into a huge atelier, a very interesting artistic WG (shared apartment). There also lived a very curious group of people, they were all artists and very open minded people, very nice and caring people, always in a good mood and with open hearts. These people received me, the new member, very well, with lots of hugs and smiles. One of the women in the group was a very big German guy, with channel blond hair and almost 2m tall, with a very low voice. He wore very sober clothes, but worked keeping company to old, lonely German men, the ones to appreciate what he called "them, the big girls". He was telling the stories about his experiences, while we were all sitting together, sharing, and he said that one way he would trick those men into not showing his tits (because he didn't have any) was carrying a big arsenal of saussages, black bread and mustard with him. When the heat in his business would just increase and those men would be asking for breasts, he would just pause, and say...
"- Yeah, we can do that... Orrrrr... You can take a look at my wonderful collection..." -- And then he would open up his huge bag with all types of sausages and black bread, and the men would go just nuts about it.
Seriously, I dreamed this.
And I thought it was hilarious. German men, Hipnotized by sausages.
The rest of the dream was not so funny. I was looking around the city, trying to look for a piece of furniture to fit in my room, since I didn't have anything or any money, and it was just like Berlin, people would just display their trashy, unwanted items out on the sidewalk and I was looking for nice ones. : /
This lack of money to buy furniture is getting to my deeper roots of mind...

Maximum understanding

This video is very funny:

It inspired me to a further understanding: our egos are like assholes. If you touch it, makes it scared and closed. And more... Me and my ex-boyfriend are like two contracted assholes, closed to each other penises, as we tried to intrude each other's business.
"- What are you doing there, don't go there..."
"- I'm just hanging out here, not doing anything special."
"- Hum... Just hanging out here? I don't trust it."
"- Please trust me, so we can have a better time together."
"- Ok, I can try to relax. (...) Hey, wait a minute! What are you doing?! Stop, let's change places."
"-Yeah, ok. Let's do it. But, wait. No... What are YOU doing there? Go away!"
" - Oh, come on! Why is it ok for you but not for me?"
"- This is not working."
"- Yeah. Maybe I should just go."
" - Yeah, maybe."
"- So maybe I will!"
"-Yeah, so do it!"
The end.

sexta-feira, julho 09, 2010

Growing out of me

I want to fly above myself; forget these patterns I am stuck with. I want to be free to love, instead of feeling sick and dying. IF beauty for me is at the tip of a sword, let it touch me. If I have to kiss it 11 times to make it come up for me... Then I will kiss it 93. If this woman body comes for me, I have my tits that I adore and no one will ever have me, because I have wings that change its colors, you see? But I can stay for a while, I can show you how nice I can be. So next time you can show it to me. But it's never for free. I drink from the cup and I wait a little bit, every movement I make is sacred to me... Sometimes and most of the times I forget... How big and important I am and how these things that make me suffer are like flies around my own honey. I am the honey bee. The sting is in me. Please, next time let me die with pleasure.

art from:

Bikes are 2010 horses

He is my teenage dream boyfriend. But I hate that he smokes. What I hate the most is that he is not ready. He put me through a hard time, I felt alone, then the group protected him, the women in the group, that are supposed to be my sisters, called me a drama queen for expressing my feelings, and they don't even know me. And how well do they know latin culture, to say "yes, THEY are like this"?  To the point that I gave up. (...) Bernadete told me that I have a chance of finding true love because of the constelation that my troubled martial Venus is at, a constelation that is represented by two horses. I will believe this till the day I die. This horse got to be running after me, looking for me as well! I think the sign is that he will be ready for me. Till then, I must have a life. Yesterday, in a Crowley's book I read that Venus in Aries is troubled, especially for women, because although it is brilliant and beautiful (the sparks on the sword of Mars when he goes to war) it loses those pleasurable qualities of Venus. Venus in Aries is the Amazon, a conquerer, not the Goddess of love, and it said that Venus in Aries has very strong and high ideals, and if life does not match those ideals, she becomes a soldier instead of a lover. I almost cried, but I know all this. My ideals have been long broken, as a teenager. He got married to his teenage love. I was cheated and abandoned by mine. I don't believe in eternal love, thanks to this. But do I believe that I can be loved at all? (...) This book reading was before yoga, and I spent a lot of time with this in my mind during the asanas. After the session, I could barely speak. I was very silent inside.
I also don't understand this boy. He seemed to like me better after the session. I didn't know what the look in his eyes meant. I asked, but he didn't answer, but I am sure he wanted to tell me something. Maybe he didn't know it as well. Maybe it is just those ideals once more, coming back in my head, and a hope he would be able to say "stay a little while". We had the same flowing during yoga, we were breathing at the same time, we had the same timing in doing the movements, and the same moods in life, but apparently I am the only one to take notice that we should be working with something, there is something between us to be done, maybe it's not a relationship, it's spiritual. But I am not beating my head against walls anymore; with love, either you feel it or you don't. In the middle there's only sexual attraction and complicated people. So I came back home very happy with my Sexless (my bike, not a boy nor a girl = sexless). I felt freedom. I felt free in spirit, like if I was riding a horse. I love the nightlife, I love the nightime still; its quietness, its fresh heat, its perfums, its colors and possibilities. It is a dreamy atmosphere, and a dark one. : ) And I wished I could be here some other time rather than in my Saturn Return, so I can enjoy it a hundred percent. If there is a good thing about having Venus in Aries is this childish quality of finding fun alone and in every aspect of life.

quarta-feira, julho 07, 2010

Farewell, Dedeco.

This is Indy. We called him Dedeco. He died yesterday evening. How old was he? Maybe 16 years old. I wish I could say he was a happy dog. But he's been blind and deaf for the past few years, he couldn't chew well because he lost some teeth and he had no space, he was living locked in the kitchen. We decided to keep him there after he went deaf and blind, because he was hitting the doorways of the house and doing his business in the wrong places. When he was a healthy dog, he also used to do his business in the wrong places, so the house has been (for at least good 8 years) smelling like dog pee. He used to cry a lot in the middle of the night, upseting us and our neighbors and with an unbelievable volume for a dog, really really high and when he was little, my mom dropped for two times a can of beans on his head. Lots of the events in the house surrounded this dog. My father left us when he used Indy's towel after shower, to become dry. We thought it was funny, but he was so pissed that he decided to move out. This was, of course, just the last drop. (...) Dedeco was going to be put to sleep this Thursday, and the Gods know for how long my mom has been struggling with this idea. When she finally decided to do it, he passed away a day before. Better this way. Still I feel sad, I wish I was there to kiss him goodbye and to be beside my family, because it is a big change in times. Farewell, Dedequinho. Schlaf gut.

segunda-feira, julho 05, 2010

Best friends... In our adult-childhood

Lost in the ocean of my fantasies, reality today came to surface when I was expecting some kind of written text that didn't come, from my best friend in our adult-childhood. I was expecting him to say how nice our weekend was and how happy he felt for being close to me again, hoping also that there could be a light in the end of the tunnel for us and, maybe, a second chance from life in the future. 
Although my reality is most likely to be moistured with listening to music and singing out loud while I bike ride across Berlin (one hour to go to school, another hour to come back. It made me proud that I didn't get lost, so the directions I wrote in my notebook worked. Hail google maps, and I thank the Gods that the internet was working./ No glamour at all, I did it to save money and to increase endorphins), I know I have to be pacient with my life now and with everything that happens... And that my expectations die getting in touch with the reality of it.
First, I was proud to start the week with a ritualistically cleaned kitchen, a shinning white stove, no food stains on the kitchen floor anymore, no greese, no more disgusting black woden shelves, and a place for everything, to the sound of Dead Can Dance, all the albuns you can imagine. But the fridge is empty again, and this, plus the fact that yesterday, when my cute little friend from my adult-childhood left he took my life with him -- that was the feeling -- I didn't know what to do, so I sit and cried, and felt despair growing, as I cried louder. "My best friend is gone", and it was like a child, crying because the party was over. "What's gonna happen now?" was the question, and all the things that connect me to him are just huge monsters from childhood dreams and fears... I feel incredibly good when he is around, but everytime he leaves I just feel life and hope drifting away, and why? For me, we are like children that enjoy to be around each other and like to kiss and play together, but if he wanted to share his toys with some other friends I would be so mad. And sometimes, in our life together, it was like he had all the toys and that I had to ask him if he would please lend me some. Today I have to think that either he didn't get in touch not to provoke undesired feelings (like the ones I am already having despite of anything -- the amazing rational German mind; not so amazing cold blood) or that his feelings are really over, which seems weird for the feelings we shared together last weekend. So, maybe we can go out to another playground some time in the future and I would really appreciate that, but I know I have to keep my life open and to entertain myself with the surroundings in order to forget that I go crazy about ALL my best friends.