He is my teenage dream boyfriend. But I hate that he smokes. What I hate the most is that he is not ready. He put me through a hard time, I felt alone, then the group protected him, the women in the group, that are supposed to be my sisters, called me a drama queen for expressing my feelings, and they don't even know me. And how well do they know latin culture, to say "yes, THEY are like this"? To the point that I gave up. (...) Bernadete told me that I have a chance of finding true love because of the constelation that my troubled martial Venus is at, a constelation that is represented by two horses. I will believe this till the day I die. This horse got to be running after me, looking for me as well! I think the sign is that he will be ready for me. Till then, I must have a life. Yesterday, in a Crowley's book I read that Venus in Aries is troubled, especially for women, because although it is brilliant and beautiful (the sparks on the sword of Mars when he goes to war) it loses those pleasurable qualities of Venus. Venus in Aries is the Amazon, a conquerer, not the Goddess of love, and it said that Venus in Aries has very strong and high ideals, and if life does not match those ideals, she becomes a soldier instead of a lover. I almost cried, but I know all this. My ideals have been long broken, as a teenager. He got married to his teenage love. I was cheated and abandoned by mine. I don't believe in eternal love, thanks to this. But do I believe that I can be loved at all? (...) This book reading was before yoga, and I spent a lot of time with this in my mind during the asanas. After the session, I could barely speak. I was very silent inside.
I also don't understand this boy. He seemed to like me better after the session. I didn't know what the look in his eyes meant. I asked, but he didn't answer, but I am sure he wanted to tell me something. Maybe he didn't know it as well. Maybe it is just those ideals once more, coming back in my head, and a hope he would be able to say "stay a little while". We had the same flowing during yoga, we were breathing at the same time, we had the same timing in doing the movements, and the same moods in life, but apparently I am the only one to take notice that we should be working with something, there is something between us to be done, maybe it's not a relationship, it's spiritual. But I am not beating my head against walls anymore; with love, either you feel it or you don't. In the middle there's only sexual attraction and complicated people. So I came back home very happy with my Sexless (my bike, not a boy nor a girl = sexless). I felt freedom. I felt free in spirit, like if I was riding a horse. I love the nightlife, I love the nightime still; its quietness, its fresh heat, its perfums, its colors and possibilities. It is a dreamy atmosphere, and a dark one. : ) And I wished I could be here some other time rather than in my Saturn Return, so I can enjoy it a hundred percent. If there is a good thing about having Venus in Aries is this childish quality of finding fun alone and in every aspect of life.
I also don't understand this boy. He seemed to like me better after the session. I didn't know what the look in his eyes meant. I asked, but he didn't answer, but I am sure he wanted to tell me something. Maybe he didn't know it as well. Maybe it is just those ideals once more, coming back in my head, and a hope he would be able to say "stay a little while". We had the same flowing during yoga, we were breathing at the same time, we had the same timing in doing the movements, and the same moods in life, but apparently I am the only one to take notice that we should be working with something, there is something between us to be done, maybe it's not a relationship, it's spiritual. But I am not beating my head against walls anymore; with love, either you feel it or you don't. In the middle there's only sexual attraction and complicated people. So I came back home very happy with my Sexless (my bike, not a boy nor a girl = sexless). I felt freedom. I felt free in spirit, like if I was riding a horse. I love the nightlife, I love the nightime still; its quietness, its fresh heat, its perfums, its colors and possibilities. It is a dreamy atmosphere, and a dark one. : ) And I wished I could be here some other time rather than in my Saturn Return, so I can enjoy it a hundred percent. If there is a good thing about having Venus in Aries is this childish quality of finding fun alone and in every aspect of life.
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