Best friends... In our adult-childhood

Lost in the ocean of my fantasies, reality today came to surface when I was expecting some kind of written text that didn't come, from my best friend in our adult-childhood. I was expecting him to say how nice our weekend was and how happy he felt for being close to me again, hoping also that there could be a light in the end of the tunnel for us and, maybe, a second chance from life in the future. 

Although my reality is most likely to be moistured with listening to music and singing out loud while I bike ride across Berlin (one hour to go to school, another hour to come back. It made me proud that I didn't get lost, so the directions I wrote in my notebook worked. Hail google maps, and I thank the Gods that the internet was working./ No glamour at all, I did it to save money and to increase endorphins), I know I have to be pacient with my life now and with everything that happens... And that my expectations die getting in touch with the reality of it.

First, I was proud to start the week with a ritualistically cleaned kitchen, a shinning white stove, no food stains on the kitchen floor anymore, no greese, no more disgusting black woden shelves, and a place for everything, to the sound of Dead Can Dance, all the albuns you can imagine. But the fridge is empty again, and this, plus the fact that yesterday, when my cute little friend from my adult-childhood left he took my life with him -- that was the feeling -- I didn't know what to do, so I sit and cried, and felt despair growing, as I cried louder. "My best friend is gone", and it was like a child, crying because the party was over. "What's gonna happen now?" was the question, and all the things that connect me to him are just huge monsters from childhood dreams and fears... I feel incredibly good when he is around, but everytime he leaves I just feel life and hope drifting away, and why? For me, we are like children that enjoy to be around each other and like to kiss and play together, but if he wanted to share his toys with some other friends I would be so mad. And sometimes, in our life together, it was like he had all the toys and that I had to ask him if he would please lend me some. Today I have to think that either he didn't get in touch not to provoke undesired feelings (like the ones I am already having despite of anything -- the amazing rational German mind; not so amazing cold blood) or that his feelings are really over, which seems weird for the feelings we shared together last weekend. So, maybe we can go out to another playground some time in the future and I would really appreciate that, but I know I have to keep my life open and to entertain myself with the surroundings in order to forget that I go crazy about ALL my best friends.