Hier kommt Alex

Today I realized something very serious about myself, which is too embarrassing to write down here. I don't know what to do with that information now. Then I reliazed I was having fun at my German class because I laughed for five minutes non stop when the teacher begun teaching the declination for the adjectives only in the Nominativ form and after class me and some other classmates went out for lunch. First I had a lasagna, then I had a stomachache. Then I went to a caffee to meet up with a friend to give him back some stuff I had from him and we drank some white wine with Mineralisches Wasser, while discussing about our lives. We went on to have a burger and a beer. Then I left, but it was eleven already. Yes, in the night. The sun was not completely set yet. Can't you believe this?! Then I took the Tram to where the U-Bahn was supposed to be, and then I realized I would have to catch a bus to the closest U-Bahn station. I was in the Bus stop tonight, waiting, when a guy approached me -- I think because of my bagpack full of hearts, which later on he said it was very sweet -- and somewhere in the middle of showing me the new hat he had gotten because the only one he had belonged to his grandparent because his head was too big and he couldn't find any hats that would fit and showing me the strawberry tee he got for his girlfriend, he told me to listen to this song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5X-yqPhItr8

And when I arrived home and I was listening to it, a friend of mine had left a message telling me that a hurricane called Alex is about to hit Mexico and USA, and that she was reminded of me, which is very funny, specially hearing "Hier kommt Alex".

... I think Berlin wants me.

Last weekend, I went to a concert of a friend of mine which happens to be a guitar player and, after the show, he invited me to join the band to another city called Stuttgart. And I did. (...) No toothbrushes, no towels or extra clothes, and I had only five euros on my pockets. That was very funny. Seven hours trip by car from Berlin on a Saturday, plus seven hours more coming back on the following Sunday. And oh, how I love to hit the road. There is nothing better to heal a wounded heart than hitting the road. At least for me. And we went on listening to music, reggae, progressive house, singing, laughing, drinking, all those things the Gods wants us to do (and we don't because we forget how life is magickal stucked in our own small worlds).

Still I miss cutie, but I don't think he would have liked any of this.

What's the next step?

I discovered love and care in unexpected people. I discovered fun in hidden places. I am able to smile again. So I have a broken heart... Ich Fenchel Tee jeden Tag trinken... And smell the flowers that are plenty and beautiful here in Berlin. I sing songs and try to remember what I JUST learned. I know my German is bad, but I try. Damm hot Brazzzzilian Blut, doesn't match Deutsch. But we are so attractive to each other! Charming and full of life, explosive and red. I know I wish I could turn back time, but even if I could, I wouldn't know how to make things differently. So Cutie is no longer available; makes me sad. We fucking broke each others' head. I go aroung the world losing pieces of myself. "What am I doing here?" now, I ask myself. (One less arm, one less finger, three thousand less friends. I had to discover Hope in something else. Again. Vida, morte, vida. Again and again. Amenti.) People are starting to ask me that too. But I used to ask that back home as well. Maybe, just maybe, since everything changed so quickly for the worse, maybe it will turn back quickly for the best. That's what I hope, if not quickly, on the exact time that is supposed to be. The things that are supposed to be hurt me and I fight against them. So, you were right about this. 

(Angelfish - You can love her; King of the World; From Heartbreak to Hate; Sleep with me)

["Some things are did and buried, some things just carry on like you. (...) Some things are did and buried, some things are did and gone, but you... stay with me. You'll never leave, carry on... (...) How long? How long can we carry on? Stay with me, sleep with me, dream with me..."]

Carry on, Alex. Carry on.

Becoming X, beautiful Garbage

This blog is not for those who hate preachers. 

This blog is for people that listen to echos. Sit and drink with me and be welcome. Music soothes the soul. Shirley Manson gave me power last night, me and a cup of brandy. I went through it all... This is not my idea (Das ist nicht meine idee auf ein gut Zeit??? hahahahaha), As heaven is wide, Trip my wire. Nirvana took me to the last level with Dumb, Pennyroyal Tee and Rape Me. This morning is time for Sneaker Pimps with Becoming X, which actually fits like a glove, specially my dear one for all times of sorrow and feeling hurt... Spin, Spin Sugar! Like the monkey from Brazil was serving German guys, so cute, so hot, so willing to do everything right, to be friends, to be nice; that indian blood in my veins screAming "don't go there". But I had to; part of me is a cat, curious. I still have eight lives to go. If we do not collect the one or two pearls from each painful experience, then is really just a bunch of shit. So, I go for the pearls. Yes, I try to teach a bit, but not in the traditional ways. I am more like an exploratory teacher: I like sharing. Give me yours and I will give you mine. Don't suck it all out of me and keep yours, because then I become very angry and I will sing Trip my Wire again, to you, to him, to everyone. The live version. But my main position is the one of the student. And my favorite asana is Vrishika. I like sharing, not competing. Shoulder to shoulder, no one above, no one below. Feet to the head, spine curved, eyes up to sky. "I breath you in..."

Sugared from the heart

My little heart, after intense experiences of pain can see what's beyond this human life, beyond the strong forces of the ego. The scorpio ego wants to possess, it wants it all, again, more, deeper, stronger, heavier. More. When it's good and when it's bad, it needs to go to the last drop. After I had a few last drops, I can say what happened to me, otherwise this blog will be what has always been, and I am up for change -- a place where I use to drop my loads when the emotional pressure was too high. Now I think I can start sharing the next steps.

Always after an intense experience of pain I see the light. It's the up part of my "downs". This might be the repeating pattern of scorpio, this need to go through all the process everytime, feel everything, first you have something you really like, then you fear the loss of it until you do lose -- and then, because it hurt so much, you are able to let go AND after letting go, you are free. Today the sun is shining, and it also comes from the inside. I understand one change in the pattern. The pattern of relatioships still exist, this is from the karma, I think it's not up for me to change it -- so maybe I can stop fighting and feeling hurt about the patterns and just accept them. But how I deal and how I feel about the patterns is changing. Today, and it's like this for a while, after a breakup I no longer hate them. No, I don't. I love them. I still love them. I bless them, I want them to be in my heart, and I send love. Avoiding the pain is avoiding life, and anyone should throw themselves to life, to its open jaws and let it be chewed by it, with passion. You cannot avoid the pain of seeing things and people how they really are, this is a blessing (and sometimes a curse). To know life and people as they are and not as they show themselves. The voice I heard yesterday that brought me silence and peace of mind was the voice of my heart. From all the voices inside my head, this is the one I must  always  listen. Not listen to the voice of anger, not listen to the voice of fear of loss, not listen to the voice of rejection. And listening to the voice of my heart brought rewards. Peace of mind. Certainty. Comprehension of the flows, coming and going of the universe. So this present experience was essential for me to notice this completely. There is sadness,  but I gained myself, one step further.  People that  are too afraid to share and too afraid to welcome me are not of my interest. A scorpio, a sun and a rose. Mine are still beautiful. I never saw roses last more than a week. These are from the Venus ritual. I am coming home.

Sit and drink pennyroyal tea, with a little blood from the moon

The mosquitos gather curious above my head, while I sing in the park. What is this different vibration that changes the air? They want to know, and they don't even think. I wonder if relatioships are already bad, how would it be between two heroin addicts? Curt and Courtney's life, a life of horror, I would say. I think I would like to know what is this change in the skies, what is this breeze that brought the end to mine. A cold sharp breeze in the middle of the night. In the morning, a warm and dry one. If he was here, he would be ashamed of me. If he could, he would live under a rock, pretending he didn't exist and asking the world to do the same. Incredible how many times in two months he felt ashamed of me. It's like I am a constant erection, hangin outside the trousers. In the first three weeks he would critisize me all the time; then I said this didn't feel good, then he kept on doing it, but only on his mind. I didn't have the force to cry, astonished. Dreams of horror I had too; he was cutting his wrists, with blood all over the face. Noises in my room made me awake; plus astonishment, plus anger, plus a big interrogation mark on my forhead. Is it really over? I think it is. It feels like it is inside of me. There is nothing left between us; maybe just a towel and a pair of shoes. When I slept, bad dreams. I was pregnant and very scared in one of them, scared I would have to go to the maternity room alone, that my baby was coming into this world and my love was nowhere to be found, and I told a friend... "I am so scared, so scared of this like you don't know how". I think secret forces worked to break us apart. Nobody wanted us together. Maybe this is supposed to be, maybe all that happens is supposed to be for the better, even if we cannot see it immediately. And this was what the voice inside of my heart was telling me. "You think you don't have any luck, but we are watching you. This is exactly the way it is supposed to be", I listened. So, if this was not caused only by the negative cheering, it was my angels whispering to me... Secretly. I do not enjoy to be treated politically by people, and I never felt welcome there. He chose the State over us. He climbed over me to raise his flag, to go up in his carreer and be admired by his friends. Well, this choice will bring him his time of the month. I am having mine now. I feel a little cheated and a bit used, for all those plans he had he never told me about before they happened. I was a trial of some kind or in some kind of trial. He was never open to me, he was never honest and never ready. He gave me confusing signs and now it's enough  with "he, he, he", wasting my energy on this,  now it's time to turn the focus over to me (Ever to me!) again. I feel very sad, but a little relieved. I was playing fair. And I can only listen to the voice of my heart. I'm glad that sometimes I do.

Selling myself to death with your kisses

This is a day in solitude. You would think it is a great thing. Someone whispered somewhere I take life too seriously. All I want to do right now is to eat a chocolate muffin that is not mine and that is set over the kitchen table. Very serious issue. Oh, and I also want to die, but since death is not a thing to be found in the supermarket (or else I would love to pick it up from the shelves -- How I want death today? Frozen or fried?) I am looking for it in people I meet. Everyone has a mark of death on themselves. Everytime I get too close to see it, I die a little too. Everytime someone touches me, I feel the cold of death. But I know, it's only cold because this body is so warm and it wants so much; once life has vanished away, death will be such a nice place to be, so cozy, so comfy, just like a room entirely painted black, when you really feel like sleeping and there are no sounds outside. A perfect match, because you are not hungry, you do not need to pee and you do not need to see or speak to anyone. Oh, and you don't have all the demands of the games of conscience brought by dreams, you can just escape into infinity. You don't have to love anyone anymore, not even need to face the demand of loving yourself. If I could sell death, I would be a very successful person.

Baby, it hurts

Come on, baby... My body is free to be fulfilled by you, if this is the only love that we can have, if now the serpent screams... Then mote it be, let it spit into the graal. Day after day will come until my world ends. I hope it comes soon, because the pain is huge. Why are you afraid of I love you? Is I love you a chain that helds your soul in the depth of your emotional ocean? And why I have to be so intense in order to get a little attention from you... A little attention, remembrance that I AM HERE and there is no GOD where I AM. You will suffer that, I will suffer many times more.

Are our fears so great that it can toss our love away, just like that, from night to day, scared of being hurt? The way you were locked inside of yourself, outside of your mind while we waited for the train was more than I could handle; when the train came I was under it, and baby... It hurt me. I don't know what to do with this body now. I am no one, I am nothing. I am not even yours.

He loves me, he loves me not.

One of these days my heart got broken. When I fell, it was instantly made into pieces. I glued them together, but now the glue is gone and I don't know where to get me some more. Before, it was glued by the rays of the sun, it made me sweat and my heart melted. My heart doesn't melt anymore. The tears made my heart crystal clear. Now all I have is the blue of his eyes, and he doesn't like that. They say your father is supposed to love you, but this is not our story... And now I am afraid to bring a child into this world because of that father figure: distant, absent, cold; uncaring. I asked for a sign the other day at the park and then I saw one single little daisy in the middle of the field, she was laying down, kind of shy, just like me. I wanted to pick her up to know if he loved me or if he loved me not, but I didn't want to kill her for my own selfish reasons, so I just thought about our late relatioship and just decided that he loves me not.