The mosquitos gather curious above my head, while I sing in the park. What is this different vibration that changes the air? They want to know, and they don't even think. I wonder if relatioships are already bad, how would it be between two heroin addicts? Curt and Courtney's life, a life of horror, I would say. I think I would like to know what is this change in the skies, what is this breeze that brought the end to mine. A cold sharp breeze in the middle of the night. In the morning, a warm and dry one. If he was here, he would be ashamed of me. If he could, he would live under a rock, pretending he didn't exist and asking the world to do the same. Incredible how many times in two months he felt ashamed of me. It's like I am a constant erection, hangin outside the trousers. In the first three weeks he would critisize me all the time; then I said this didn't feel good, then he kept on doing it, but only on his mind. I didn't have the force to cry, astonished. Dreams of horror I had too; he was cutting his wrists, with blood all over the face. Noises in my room made me awake; plus astonishment, plus anger, plus a big interrogation mark on my forhead. Is it really over? I think it is. It feels like it is inside of me. There is nothing left between us; maybe just a towel and a pair of shoes. When I slept, bad dreams. I was pregnant and very scared in one of them, scared I would have to go to the maternity room alone, that my baby was coming into this world and my love was nowhere to be found, and I told a friend... "I am so scared, so scared of this like you don't know how". I think secret forces worked to break us apart. Nobody wanted us together. Maybe this is supposed to be, maybe all that happens is supposed to be for the better, even if we cannot see it immediately. And this was what the voice inside of my heart was telling me. "You think you don't have any luck, but we are watching you. This is exactly the way it is supposed to be", I listened. So, if this was not caused only by the negative cheering, it was my angels whispering to me... Secretly. I do not enjoy to be treated politically by people, and I never felt welcome there. He chose the State over us. He climbed over me to raise his flag, to go up in his carreer and be admired by his friends. Well, this choice will bring him his time of the month. I am having mine now. I feel a little cheated and a bit used, for all those plans he had he never told me about before they happened. I was a trial of some kind or in some kind of trial. He was never open to me, he was never honest and never ready. He gave me confusing signs and now it's enough with "he, he, he", wasting my energy on this, now it's time to turn the focus over to me (Ever to me!) again. I feel very sad, but a little relieved. I was playing fair. And I can only listen to the voice of my heart. I'm glad that sometimes I do.
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